Can I please have today to do over again?

Firstly I have wasted so much time, I know I can't be doing something every minute of the day but I also need to have some kind of plan!

Then all my good intentions to have a fun day with Alec were blown away, I made so many wrong decisions with him today, I should know when it is hot to just take him home, but no he wanted to go to the scrapbook shop to do scrapcooking, had a bee in his bonnet all day so after kindy we set off, I had even done him his own little kit, maybe tonight after dinner we might sit down and make it, I did him some photos and papers and a few embellishments.

So after about 8 disasters we finally get home he is hot and tired and screaming and I want to sream rude words and throw things because some days I just can't get this right. I have virtually eaten non stop since we got home, chips, chocolate, crackers, cheese and crackers a bit more chocolate.. not a good move for a diabetic but my care factor is very low right now. Alec finally went to sleep but came out after about 45 minutes, he lay on the lounge and has been asleep there ever since.

When we go to get some bread I am getting icecream too..then for desert I am going to have birthday cake, icecream and cream in a can in the biggest bowl i can find, screaming rude words and thowing things would probably be a lot better for me.

Alec, February 25th 2006 4 years old!

We had a wonderful party, after spending Thursday and Friday very low key Saturday dawned and we started the day with presents, then breakfast at Gloria Jeans, miraculously they both had a nap from 11:30 - 1:30 and we all got dressed and headed for Hungry jacks, they were very disorganised and the party was run by two very sweet but clueless 15 year olds, I stepped in and did most of the organising, the kids were so well behaved and had so much fun playing in the play area, I think it was a great sucess and thankfully not over shadowed by the venue, when we got there I asked for a spill to be mopped up... but alas it wasn't so can you imagine the steps to the party train and the childrens feet after they had walked through spilt fanta for 2 hours? yuck!

So here is my beautiful Alec who turned 4 on Saturday... Happy Birthday precious baby!

It has been hot here and along with that so many changes and adjustments to make to our new routine something was going to give eventually. Tuesday Alec didn't have a nap and it was 40 in the shade here, there were a few incidents at kindy, Alec just reacted badly to normal situations and by 4pm he was on his way to a serious meltdown.

There were so many triggers I couldn't stop it, the anguish, fear, frustration and anger we witnessed over three and a half hours was heart breaking. I am left feeling exhausted, defeated and helpless. Angry that my baby has to go through this and that somehow it is my fault he is like this, at my darkest I go back and analyse every moment of my pregnancy and his birth and where it was I could have done this to him, I get over that though because we just don't know why and we never will. After a good cry I went to bed, Michael cleaned up for me, I was actually sent to my room, I get a bit manic after these meltdowns and try and keep busy and I always end up worse than I started, Wednesday morning Michael got them ready for daycare, we set off and Alec had forgotten his engine, so I promised I would bring one back for him, when I got home I called and let school know Alec wouldn't be there Thursday and Friday and I cancelled speech for today. We had reached our limit, Riley is off at dad's (wish dad luck he is alone with a 2 year old and has never changed his nappy!!) we are having a quiet day together playing Thomas lego that I bought him today.. I am weak, I use the excuse that it is his birthday Saturday even though we already have him a present, but he is so loving it, he hasn't left the table for 2 hours, I can't see him going for a nap today. If this is what I have to do to make him happy for today and be at peace then so be it

well I have to go and build some stations, thanks for letting me ramble.

a few may be offended but this is my say after all.. What follows is a pointless rant.

Friday we received our letter from Disability Services telling us here this is what you qualify for, I called to get Alec registered at the Autism Association of Western Australia (Inc) and this lovely woman tells me in the sweetest voice that I am thoroughly screwed over because my doctor didn't send his report off until we called and asked for it so now their is no place for Alec but they would love to put us on a year long waiting list, did I also mention once they start grade one there is NO FUNDING AT ALL FOR AUTISTIC KIDS???? I mean WTF?????? Whacked out junkies get more assistance than autistic kids, and while I was pissed off I researched methadone programs and 20 years down the track 2/3's of those bastards up and die in anycase so why are we wasting $150 million a year of our money on waste!

back to the Autism Assoc, OK so she didn't say I was screwed but we are, because that stupid prick didn't send off that report 2 1/2 months ago, we did not get a place this year, now I know someone that was diagnosed 5 weeks before Alec and they had a place before Christmas, I sat in that mans office on the 29th of November and listened to him dictate his report, what happened then is a mystery but don't you worry he is getting a letter from a very pissed off mother this week.

I spoke to the local area coordinator from disability services this morning and she is going to find out for me what kind of services we can get in the mean time. I am getting Alec assessed by an OT in the next couple of weeks and we will slot that in somewhere, but that will be another $75 a session so we might have to do 3 weeks of speech and 1 week OT, we need both every week but it is $300 a month for speech already there isn't another $300 anywhere, lets face it we don't even have the $300 now, we are living on credit. I just want the best I can get for my baby so he can achieve his full potential and be happy.

Silly impatient me, couldn't be bothered looking for the cotton and stuck the damn Heidi Swapp silhouette down with DM and can see it through the silhouette and am so annoyed at my lazy self... There.. Self flagellation over, but really I could have stapled it too, but no miss can't mess up THE look says no, this will be fine..NOT oh well, trying to get a shop sample done by tonight and it isn't going to happen, I'm making my first paper bag album, let me tell you the coles paper bags are a bit thin and nasty but I'm having fun.

Thank you girls for all your lovely comments on my pink box! I'm pretty happy with how it has turned out, I just had to keep it within the confines of what was available at the shop and what I think the class can do in two hours and I think this one will be good. We have a crop night at the shop tonight so I am taking it along to push my classes!

So anyway I am off to attempt so long overdue grooming issues I have.. Wish me luck!

ok so it isn't as bad as I thought, I was having a "I'm hot and tired and nothing is right" few days. So here is my pink box for my April/May classes, thanks to Lissy for bringing me some pink ribbon!

Now I have to make a star album so if anyone has any tips/wants to do it for me, just jump right in because I am afraid to even open the packet at this stage!


My babies looked a bit sad and tired this morning, all of a sudden I worry about them at daycare, until they get in the car at 5:30 and start bickering again LOL I think they are just a bit worn out by this nasty weather too.

Last night while Michael made my box inserts Alec rode his bike out the front with us and we did our chat to the neighbours thing and Ronald from next door played monsters with Riley and Alec, we have the best neighbours ever and they don't mind our boys being over there every time they see the roller door open!

so is this total rubbish? It still needs a handle which is made of glass beads on the top and as much pink ribbon as I can find and a bit more frou frou, not sure on the trinkets bit, they aren't stuck down yet.

oh and you know that class I did on Friday night.. well i totally suck! I'm sure those poor girls wondered what they were doing there. One girls hair dryer packed it in, crackle medium and texture paste may sound exciting but I forgot it takes about an hour and 1/2 to prep a canvas, and while I find this exciting and think it is time well spent I now realise not very many others share that passion with me.

Now I have this monstrosity to prepare for a class, atleast they will get to just do a bit of painting then gets stuck into sticking stuff down!

Everything is taking so much extra effort at the moment..

here are my other 5 layouts to make it up to ten for Ali Stafford's blog challenge.

This is my Ali Edwards scrap lift, I just loved it when I saw it 2 years ago and this one hangs on my wall still

Well I love this photo of Alec at Flinders Bay and I love the layout because it was the first ever layout I submitted and it was my first ever published layout.

One of the few moments of serenity with Riley as a new born was captured here.

My heart almost burst, Alec had his first pony ride, you can't see the journaling as it is in a fold out panel at the bottom, he hasn't been on another one since but he loved that one, I was just so happy to see him take part

This is the first page of my brother Andrew's memorial album.

This is Ali's challenge:

I want you all to post in your blogs 10 of your layouts. It doesn't matter if you've already uploaded them to your blog before - just think of it as giving us all a "refresher".

Now - these 10 layouts - they have to be a *certain* 10. I want to see the 10 layouts which are either:

(a) your favourite 10 layouts; or
(b) the 10 layouts that you're most proud of; or
(c) 10 layouts that have some really special significance*** ; or
(d) a combination of any of the above!***

I know that *all* our pages are special and signficant - but i'm referring to those layouts that really have that extra "meaning" to you...

So here are my first 5, I will do another 5 later today.

My Child

This one I did when we first found out Alec was autistic, it was the end of many of our hopes and dreams for him but it also reminded us how much he meant to us and how much we loved him.

Take Flight

I was so proud of him, he loves to fly when we go to the park, a week before this photo was taken he wouldn't climb ladders or go down slides then all of a sudden he was off!
Sunday

I love that Michael bakes with the boys

Cherish

I just loved this photo, it was at RIley's second birthday party and he and mum were talking star wars!

A House Needs a Grandma

Again just love this photo, just one I snapped as they sat on the lounge one Sunday morning while Penny was here.

We received our long anticipated letter from Disability Services today, telling us what services they could provide for Alec.... and that was sweet stuff all. We have been placed on a waiting list for Midlred Creak which just happens to be 60km from us. I mean seriously have these people even looked at our address? you can't possibly tell me there is nothing north of the river in the way of services for autistc kids?

Michael is doing the calling and question asking I get way too emotional, I just need help so I can help Alec.

One fantastic thing today though... he has made a friend at kindy, his name is Jack and he will be 4 2 days before Alec. From the first day Jack and Alec played together. Thankfully so far Jack doesn't realise Alec is having a totally different conversation to him!

that is what I am working for this week! Michael's pay day and it is gone already, sometimes I hate fortnightly pay. I will be glad when this horror run of bills is over with, this year I hope to get enough put away to pay the land and water rates, last year I only managed the water rates and had to take the 4 payment option with the land rates, it has thrown the budget out for months now, one more payment in April and it is done then.

On a hugely high note Michael has been/will be offered all 4 jobs he had interviews for, he is going to take the job as Principal Policy & Research Analyst, State / Commonwealth Relations, is that a job title and a 1/2! no wonder I can never remember what he does when people ask me. While this is a financial boon, it is only an 18 month secondment and at the end unless he can find another position he goes back to his substantive level 4 position! That would be a bit of a shock to the system as he has been an acting level 6 for 4 years now.

Scrapwise I have been making Michael an 8x8 album for Valentines Day, I won a goegeous brown suede one last year and it has been sitting empty, he has grumbled for ages that he doesn't have an album so I am trying to sneakily do it without him seeing it, when he came to bed last night I think he had peeked though because he asked me what I was scrapping!

Today it is kindy, grocery shopping, speech therapy nap and then viviting a friend in hospital, that should take me to about 5pm! Hope you have a good one.. I"m going to treat myself to a Mocha Truffle from Gloria Jeans as I do the shopping, Michael bought me home his take away cup he found while he was cleaning his office.

Lianne dares us to show our first ever layout and our most recent, well here is my first. I did this layout on the 20th of September (my birthday!) 2002 I started it at a beginners scrapbooking class at the LSS!

vellum bubbles, hand cut letters and those good old shape cutters..

My latest is barista Baby

yuck! yuck! yuck! yuck! I just opened a package and all I can smell is cigarettes, stale nasty ashtray overflowing cigarette smell. The shirt has gone straight to the wash!

Note to self.. pay attention to those smoke free household thingies.. I mean it was gross.

yayyyyyy!! my Hb A1C percentage was 6.3% and the well controlled range is 7% and under so my doctor said I was doing brilliantly and not to change a thing, so the diabeties is under control!

Alec has hayfever which has caused the snoring and he had his 4 year old vaccinations, he was so brave I told him I was very proud of him.

I am going to try out tai-chi friday mornings, hopefully you can take toddlers along, good for diabeties and my anxiety attacks!

No scrapping today, way too tired and hot and everyone was agitated. I so hope that disability services get our letter to us soon as I really need to start Alec with some OT.

I saw it on the end of a post in someones signature, I needed a good laugh -

Some people are like slinkies. They are not good for
anything but they still bring a smile to your face when
you push them down the stairs!

My order arrived! I tell you for shopping to be therapeutic I am going to need to do a lot more than I am doing now!

I'm folding the washing and tidying my scrap room so I can get down to some real therapy and do some scrapping. I have a new class project using Basic Grey lollipop shoppe.. So not my colours but I'm looking forward to the challenge, now I just have to think of something to make to go in the box.

Here is my baby at kindy on his first day!!


Here is the PEC board (photo exhcange cards) Michael and I finished at midnight last night! nothing like being prepared is there! The cards are on velcro dots and there are about 40 cards in the set we made him. It has been a mad rush of a morning, I was a bit flustered and Alec was a little distressed but was fine once we arrived at kindy,I'm so glad we had visited a few times before.. hHe wouldn't eat or drink anything before he left for kindy though. I'm off to get him in 15 minutes! day one over!

Alec and I are hanging this morning, Riley is off at mum and dads today and we don't have speech until 11am. We didn't start off too well, instead of being able to say "mummy I miss Riley and would really like to go to" the autism speaks and he has a meltdown. I'm still a bit bruised from it, not physically but emotionally. I know all the triggers and I tried to get him excited about our day and also to prepare him for what we are going to be doing. It didn't work.

It starts with the..I don't want and moves onto the you're not my friend anymore, which really hurt this morning. I didn't say anything, I tried a different approach, he ranted at me for 20 minutes and threw himself around the lounge room, I will have to see what damage he did himself later. Then he sat with his head under a pillow and we had silence. I went to get something and for once didn't tell him where I was going and he came looking for me. When i came back I sat at the table and explained that he had hurt my feelings and I was sad, he is starting to recognise sad which is a good thing. After a few more minutes he came and told me he loved me and I got a cuddle but I feel a bit battered today and it isn't even 8am.

I have to finish his card chart for kindy today, I will post a pic later when it is done, it is a picture recognition system or picture exchange, it exchanges an image for an action so the teacher can prepare his board so he will know what is happening. He goes to kindy for almost 3 hours which doesn't seem a lot but Tuesday when we visited we were only there and hour and by the end he was terribly over stimulated so we will all be learning some new strategies for calming Alec this week I think. His teacher is wonderful and I have such a good feeling about kindy, now all we need is the disability services people to get back to us so we know what type of programs we are eligible for.

When we picked up Alec and Riley from daycare today Karina, one of Alec's kindy room carers told me they were doing drawing today and Alec said..

"look Karina, I'm scrapcooking!"

awwwwwwwwww that is so cute, I've got to do a scrapcooking layout, not sure to have the picture of me doing it and tell the story behind scrapcooking or some other way. Must do it, must do it, before I forget the story!

ok.. I'm off to watch House, had a big day Lissy and I spent the morning doing our class descriptions and timetables.. Lis has 7 booked in for her valentine box already and I'm hoping my classes fill up too!