Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Left us 10 years ago, I can't believe it is 10 years. How can a 25 year old die? what purpose did his death serve?

The eternally unanswered questions I'm afraid, I have been asking for 10 years and still have no more insight than I did then.

Those were such dark days after Andy died, for months I cried all the way to work in the car, I stopped caring about work and struggled to make myself get out each day. It also lifted a veil from my eyes and made me see how miserable I was and how my marriage had been over for years, we just went through the motions we just hadn't realised it yet. It took a year but I left, I found the strength and I fled, fled for my life because I didn't know that person anymore, she was a stranger and she had almost given up. It is strange starting your life at 31 but I did, I'm 40 soon and you know what the last 9 years have been the best of my life.

I'm going to end this as the tears are making it hard to see, this is a poem I wrote for Andy after he died, I miss you Andy and there isn't a day I don't think about you and miss you.. be at peace little brother


I walk along the stream
kicking the pebbles of my life aside
Wondering at their journey
And if they have served their purpose

Did they do well??
Did they suceed??
Could they have done better??
Who is to judge

Were they cared for by another?
Or treated badly and discarded?
Only to fall back into the stream and be worn away
Taking a little of me with them as they went

Or were they treasured and cared for?
Looked out for by one that was more dear than my own life?
I ponder these thoughts as my feet brush the pebbles aside
Seeing some worn and some not

Does this mean that it goes on
Till they have been worn away completely?
The constant uncertainty
The struggle for my place in the stream
I am tired now
Let me rest a little and find some peace
I tried so hard to find it but it has alluded me
I will sleep that long sleep now and lay my demons to rest
Blogger domestic goddess said...
Alli there is seriously nothing that I can say right now except all power to you! You have suffered the deepest lose and made the bravest of decisions and both of these things have resulted in where and who you are today - a talented, inspiring, creative and loving wife, mother, friend, artist and woman.
Thoughts are with you....

Blogger Mandy said...
Alli I can only wish for you some peace today too.

Blogger Chris Millar said...
That's a wonderful poem that you wrote Alli. I hope you surrounded yourself with the cuddles from your lovely family yesterday to help ease those sad thoughts.

Anonymous Danelle said...
Alli, May peace, hope and love be yours at this time and always. Danelle