done in, done over, done like a dinner
I want to check out, take a powder, take 5, take anything but I want everything around me to stop so I have 5 minutes to work out where I got so out of step with the rest of the world.
My escape right now is listening to ABBA on the ipod while I walk and walk and walk, but eventually you either get where you are going or back where you started and you haven't figured anything out at all. except for maybe I should do a blog post and get it off my chest and get some more ABBA from iTunes... or run away from home
oh and Lis sorry for the SMS... I just had to tell it to someone.
I always go back to the fact that I should just be able to deal with it, sometimes I can't. I am struggling with Alec right now, we all are. Yesterday he screamed at me for 20 minutes straight because we walked home from school. My fault partly, I didn't tell him before school, he wasn't prepared, I wasn't prepared for his reaction. Right now everything revolves around him. It is hard because he feels the emotions we feel, hurt, anger, happiness, sadness, confusion etc etc. It is just that he doesn't realise we feel too. When I tell him to look at his brother crying because he has hurt feelings Alec can not relate to Riley at all and doesn't realise he caused the hurt feelings. He feels more able to deal with reality when he plays it through his own made up world, we don't get to go to this world and sometimes it is hard to get Alec to come out and join us.
But this is autism and being a seven year old and I have to start teaching the seven year old some responsibility and what happens when you are not.
I have to be gentler with myself, do what i did last night, I went to bed with a book at 6:30pm and let Michael put them to bed, calling out prompts from the bedroom.. he got their teeth cleaned, played musical statues with them and gave them jelly... oh well
we survived though, but sometimes I want to feel like I am more than just surviving.