My neighbour had a baby Sunday night, after several days in labour she agreed to an epidural, unfortunately bubs heart rate plummeted and they had to have an emergency c-section, then I just read I have an eight year old peanut over at creative junkie (I so love her stories). So anyway even hearing the word c-section can send me reeling, I have Riley's birth story written down and locked in some lead lined double locked box somewhere, ok actually it is tucked behind a photo in his scrapbook album because isn't that something you should share with your children, the pain, the fear, the gallons (ok maybe a 1/2 litre or so) of blood that wasn't meant to flow when they took your c-section stitch out, I mean in my naievety I never once thought about what would happen if your wound opened, 5 days after welcoming mr 10lbs 6oz and 57cm i learnt. Riley wasn't only a c-section delivery they threw some forceps in for good measure because he liked it there and he wasn't coming out, I remember the dialogue between my ob and the nurse so well..

dr - forceps please..

nurse - what??

dr - FORCEPS NOW

it was a holy crap moment then the drugs kicked in and the rest was a bit of a blur. Even though my new bundle of joy was in the neo natal ward for a week I actually enjoyed hospital, that was until stitch taking out day. The nurse came in we chatted I flashed her and she started taking out my stitch, just one, a big long single stitch, it sort of stuck in the middle, gave a little ping and then my nether regions became very warm and wet, unfortunately I hadn't pee'd myself, oh how I wish I had, now it was blood. I was frozen and she had panic on her face then the emergency call button was sounding and OMFG it was for me, next thing I knew there were 8 people in my room and loads of blood.

Once it was cleaned up the full extent on the situation became clear, I called Michael and sobbed, you have to come now.. and he did.

I was upset. This is an understatement. In the end after a short trip home an infection and more visits to the doctor than most people have in a lifetime they booked be back in, scrubbed me clean and sewed me up. Looking back it wasn't that painful just terribly traumatic in the post traumatic stress kind of traumatic, my umbilical hernia op the following year was a real eye opener and introduced me to the meaning of pain.

So now every now and then something happens and I find myself in the shower replaying the two weeks before Riley's birth and all the things I could have done to avoid what happened, you see I went in to labour at 38 weeks, a few days before I thought I had a rather weak bladder but it seemed to stop, when the nurse asked me before I went home when the contractions had stopped if I had had any leaking I said no, having no experience of labour it didn't even cross my mind, I have to give myself a good shake and give myself the get over it talk because you can't go back, we survived it was hard for all of us but we came out the other side and now 4 years 10 months and 18 days later I have the funniest child in the world , who is funny and smart and vowed at the age of 4 and 1/2 that he would look after his big bruffer forever, I cried, he worships Alec but he also knows that Alec is different, he couldn't tell you what autism is but he knows it well.

In the end it doesn't matter how they got here, they are here and I love them both, I was just betrayed by my pelvis, for a long time I felt cheated and for a long time (ok I still do) blamed myself, now I just have to keep the shower for shopping lists instead of birth revision, it is time I eased up on myself.

Oh and what is wrong with me (don't answer that) it is my birthday in a month, I want a 24" monitor, but you know we need a new computer in 18 months, you shouldn't really waste the money now just on a monitor, I can wait... this is me to Michael, I don't want anything else, but I also don't want him to spend all that money on me, what type of deranged woman am I?????????? I want it but I don't, I can't figure me out, if I say yes I will feel guilty but damn it I want a big monitor so I can have a huge work area in photoshop, I might even be totally ridiculous and run both monitors so I can have tools on the little one..

Labels: stuff